Pull Up Your Big Girl Camouflage Panties

I’m an indoors girl and the minute I venture out with a few outdoor women, this happens…

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And I try and suck it up.

I really do.

But then I end up sitting on a boat with a sunscreen shirt wrapped around my legs.

And my outdoor idols were all probably giggling saying, “Check out the sissy hunter’s wife.”

And I think to myself why can’t I be more like my husband.

He will seriously be gushing blood and I’m all, “OMG why are you gushing blood?”

And he’s all, “Where?”

He doesn’t even realize he’s gushing blood.

After I’d faint, I’d need 225 stitches.

But if I’m ‘ganna hang with the woodsy girls, I need to pull up my big girl camouflage panties.

I need to be all …

OMG Jody, look at your leg. That looks like the poison ick.

Oh that, it’s probably just a heat rash. Calm down.

OMG Jody, you’re stepping on a snake.

Oh damn.

As I fling it back in the woods.

OMG Jody, a squirrel is hanging from your hair.

And then I chop off the chunk of squirrel hair with my pocket knife.

And cook squirrely nut venison wraps on the campfire.

Have a good day all … and for the record, I don’t or have never owned a pocket knife. Those things are dangerous and will cut your leg off. Or your precious privates.

9 thoughts on “Pull Up Your Big Girl Camouflage Panties”

  1. I think I speak for most, when I say…We love you just the way you are. My wife talks a good game but she is more girlie than you. I dont even get to have deer heads hanging on the walls and she would NEVER dream of hooking a fish. You are out there trying to participate in the outdoors. There are hazards everywhere. You could sit by the pool and drink margaritas all day but still get sunburned. Squirrels, snakes, ticks, bees and poison ivy are just things to deal with. I can deal with any of those better than sitting next to a woman covered in the stench of a 1000 dead flowers.

  2. Girl you are ALL RIGHT! I’m still laughing over the vision of you going all Rambina ‘n cooking ‘squirrely nut venison wraps’ over the campfire. So NOT going to happen. But hey, that’s OK … But, seriously, do take care of that ‘rash’ .. and please at least learn the ‘Leaves of 3’ wodsy lingo (http://bizy.be/JTyD6) .. and remember OPEN WATER of all kinds will carry the uuishiol oils (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Urushiol ) of the ‘poison iks’: that’s the stuff that makes it itch! Now Go Gett’em, Rambina!

  3. Oh Jody.. don’t you know more accidents happen in the home? You are much safer outdoors. :)

    Pocket knives come in handy. I use my swiss army knife all the time!

  4. I went for a casual bike ride w my buddy yesterday and we were just chatting about normal stuff on the state trail and then…all of a sudden…she screams out “Oh my f’ing god…that was a snake….we just passed a snake on the trail!!! Oh my god a snake!!”
    And continues to freak out for another 200 yards.
    I had to act like the sane one on the trail.
    In every instance, there’s always the “normal” one and the “crazy” one. You might have more instances of one than the other :)

  5. Conservation Mike, lol Okay, it sounds like your wife is worse than me.

    Barb, leg is all cleared up! Maybe nothing touched me at all. Maybe it was just my inner indoor voices saying, I told you you shouldn’t be outdoors.

    Arthur, Rambina lol I could never live up to that name.

    Tom, no. And no. And no to the swiss army knife.

    Michelle, there are the quiet normal ones and the crazy screamers. I think the crazy screamers are much more fun. (This could be a blog post)

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